Oh, heeey. Welp, it’s been a year. I normally try to keep things positive and motivational here, but I very much value openness and honesty more.
For the last almost 2 years, I’ve been repetitively saying I was “burnt out”. Maybe that’s how it started, but this last year I hit a low and went to such a dark place that, truthfully, scared the living hell out of me. “Ohhhhh..” I realized, “..I’m depressed!” Cue the confetti 😛
In some ways that connection was kind of a relief. I’d been suppressing my real feelings and struggles for so long, blaming it all on other things that it was like a literal light bulb went off in my brain.
So much of my self-worth has been tied to my productivity and outward appearance/achievements. If my business is struggling, I’m struggling and vice versa. Financially, my business plateaued this year (that’s totally okay and normal!) but in so many ways, I felt like I was regressing. As an artist, my work is so deeply connected to how I’m feeling, and I was feeling bad. My mind went back to a childlike state, so angry and confused and out of control. I needed help and I needed to learn how to ask for it, but more importantly, accept it.
I went through a grieving process for my past self, but I also experienced 3 significant deaths as well. Overall, I felt that 2023 was a throw-away year. I’ve since realized that it was a year of MASSIVE growth. I’ve struggled with an anxiety disorder since I was a kid. Most people do not know this side of me and it’s been a huge source of shame throughout my life. I’ve been re-learning how to deal with guilt and shame, and did you know that these emotions are completely useless? It’s true. They don’t help you to grow or move forward at all and keep you locked in negative rumination patterns. Learning how to pull myself out of these thought patterns is like an out-of-body experience, it’s kind of wild when you start seeing it from the outside!
So anyway, how did I run my business through all of this? Simply put.. I didn’t, really. I sort of stopped trying, and just did the bare minimum to get by. I probably averaged about 25 hours/week. I automated what I could, like accounting and taxes (life saver) and just let any new work projects come to me. It felt too vulnerable to put myself out there, so I just didn’t. As a result, my business did not grow at all. That being said though, here’s some things that I did right!
- I gave myself a little grace. I let myself be a sad sack on the couch and really feel the weight of my emotions. Up until very recently, I’d beat myself up for this and call myself a lazy POS. Yikes.
- I said “no” to projects that didn’t excite me. Because I had very limited motivation this year, this was a great excuse for me to only choose projects that helped to fuel my motivation. This is a big take-away and I will continue this in my business going forward.
- I reflected on my “Why”. WHY on earth did I choose to start a business when it can be sooo stress-inducing? Admittedly, in some ways I did it for bragging rights and to prove to others that I could (see overachiever point above). But mostly, I did it to prove it to myself. To prove to myself that I’m worthy of the life that I dream of. I can go against the odds and do hard things. It’s been a learning and self-improvement journey from the start and that is my why.
Maybe this resonated with you, and if it did.. Sorry. I think the more we learn about mental health, the more we talk about it, the better off we’ll be as a society. There’s still some profound feelings of impending doom in the world, but I’m trying (as we all should) to cling onto that sliver of hope for a better future. I feel a bit lighter going into 2024, like there’s a little propeller pushing me forward. That’s why I chose “Movement” for my word of the year. I want to move my body more, move my mind and my business forward. We’re also planning to move into a new house this year, so it really fits the theme. I’d love to hear your “word of the year” if you have one!
Thanks so much for sticking around. You mean a lot.
Love,
Emma